“I totally fucked her.”
“She’s so hot – I would do her.”
“I’m a breast man.”
“Did you fuck her?”
Have you heard any of these lines before? Have you ever said any of them?
No judgment. Me too.
But let’s consider this.
Think about the last 3 conversations you’ve had with other men about sex.
They could have been about your sex life, or theirs, or about sex in general.
What did you talk about?
What was the tone of the conversation?
Now, let’s let bygones be… you know. I’m not here to blame myself or anyone else.
AND, when I look back on the ways that I talked about sex with other men in my early days, I realize that almost NONE of it was productive.
A lot of it was harmful.
Some of it was just stupid.
ALL of it was patterned according to the scripts of the 20th/21st century male ego.
How does it typically go?
We talk about sex in ways that we think will make other men respect us. And most often, this is about trying to reassure others that we are sexually capable by bragging about our sexual encounters.
“I’ve fucked over 100 women – how many have you had?”
(BTW definitely not something I ever said myself 🤣)
It’s not about truth, honesty, or vulnerability.
It’s almost always about impressing other men.
Or, even worse, about making oneself better than them.
How many conquests? How “far” did we get? What could we get them to “do?”
Now consider: what if it sounded more like this?
“I’ve been struggling in my sex life with my woman. I don’t know what to do. Can I run this by you?”
or…
“I want to share about the amazing sex I had last night with my partner. I’m excited about where our sex life is going.”
or…
“I’ve discovered something new in my sex life. It’s really opened up new possibilities. Want to hear about it?”
Looking back now, I realize I could have offered SO much more – and been offered so much more from the men around me – when it comes to conversations about sex.
There were times that I was in a lot of pain about my sex life. I felt isolated. I felt shame. I felt like my sex life was stuck and it would never get better.
I could have used someone with whom to talk about the challenges I was facing.
I could have used help to understand what has the potential to solve sexual problems or make sex better.
But I stayed isolated and hid it from other men.
Because I didn’t believe there was anyone else out there struggling like I was. I thought no one would want to talk about it in more meaningful or helpful ways.
AND I believed that if I let on to any man that I was having sexual problems, they would think less of me. Maybe they would even reject me.
If I could have opened up, a listening ear, some validation that other men also have sexual troubles, or someone pointing me toward help would have gone a long way.
In a perfect world, I would have loved to feel that sex is something that can be talked about openly with a variety of people.
How would it have been for me if it were more normative in our society to talk about sex openly?
It would have been SO much easier. Because sex isn’t something you just talk about once. It is a part of life that is unfolding, changing, and growing.
Sex is a topic that is vast – SO much to explore. So much to talk about. It is almost infinite in its variety and possibility. It is something that we need to explore over the course of our whole lives.
Isn’t it crazy that one of the most important parts of life, our sex and intimacy, is something that we so often avoid sharing about in meaningful ways?
Even if there are no problems, sex is something that can be developed, built upon, and maximized. This can radically improve our lives.
Why are men not talking about it?
I want to change all of this.
I create spaces where men can open up with each other, because I believe opening up and sharing with others, especially other men, is one of the most powerful tools of transformation and growth.
So, I created “Men (Really!) Talking About Sex,” a free, online drop-in meeting for men to explore and get support around their sex lives.
In this offering, I bring teachings to maximize your sex life. Then I open up the space to answer questions and facilitate support for sexual problems from the group.
This is a chance for you to offer support to other men – to solve their sexual problems or uplevel their sex lives.
If YOU need support or want to explore ways to make sex richer, longer lasting, more exciting, and more satisfying, you’ll definitely want to join us.
Check out this page to learn more and sign up.
Men, I say we create healthy communication, deepen our conversations about sex, and support each other in making our sex lives as satisfying as we can.
Let’s do this. 🔥
Adamantly yours,
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