I remember the first time I truly felt my heart.
I was 19. Lisa, my high school sweetheart, had broken up with me early in my sophomore year of college. We had been doing long distance for over a year, and the breakup happened over the phone.
I remember feeling a lot of frustration, hurt, and sadness in the time immediately after the breakup, but I quickly pushed these feelings into the recesses of my mind to protect myself, assisted by the distance between us and the convenient distraction of my studies.
Over the December holidays, I traveled back home to visit my family. Lisa did, too. We decided to meet for lunch to talk for the first time since our decision to part ways.
I remember driving to the diner – the one at which we had eaten countless times together during high school – thinking “I’m over her. I’m good.”
With a puffed-out chest and a naĂŻve, fake smile I walked into the diner to greet my now ex-girlfriend.
Then I saw her.
Uh oh.
We hugged.
Oh boy.
Over my right shoulder I heard her sweet voice say to me “Hi Dan – it’s so good to see you…”
Ohhhh nooooo.
I was possessed by a force I had never felt, at least not that I could remember, before that time.
My heart pressed outward, the pain starting in the center of my chest and then filling my ribcage, solar plexus and belly. My mouth pressed and tensed outward to the sides, and my eyes squinted. My throat seized, my neck and head instinctually swelled with bloodflow, and the tears exploded from my eyes.
The pressured waves from my heart through my face and eyes began, and did not stop until the waitress was bringing us our bill.
I had no memory of ever crying like that before. I’m sure I must have – as an infant or young child? But whoa! This felt new.
I sometimes imagine what it would have been like to be the diners next to us, witnessing my heaving and inhibited wailing (I did my best to muffle) and the pile of snotty napkins accumulating, one-by-one, on our table with each voyeuristic glance.
As our diner date unfolded, Lisa hugged me often, said kind words (like “I’ll always love you,” blah blah blah), and even cried a little herself, which bolstered me with a bittersweet comradery, if not a false hope that we could reunite.
I remember driving home, half in denial that the relationship was over, and half in shock about what had just happened.
What was that? I’m not a crier. I hold it together. What’s wrong with me?
Now, as I look back, I feel gratitude that I lost my shit that day. I see that whole experience as a sentinel event in my growth and development as a person.
Often it is heartbreak that leads us into our hearts for the first time.
It is as if our heart is saying to us “Wake up! I’m here! I exist. I’m here to help you. And if you don’t pay attention to me more, these things are gonna keep happening.”
Point taken, Heart.
Maybe this is why Lisa broke up with me in the first place. Was I truly bringing my heart into the relationship? Or was I just gliding along, avoiding my feelings, both the “bad” ones and the ones that could bring me closer to her?
Well, one thing is for sure: I really felt my heart that day… 💔
…and it’s been the events like these throughout my life – the grief and pain, the sadness and compassion for myself and others – that have led me back to my heart, experiencing each pass as if for the first time.
That's how protected our hearts can be.
I needed that breakup, and that messy diner date with Lisa, among other experiences like those...
...and I believe many other people do, too.
How can we love if we do not feel the parts of life that break our hearts?
The pain we feel in our hearts helps us to appreciate what we have. It ultimately brings us together as human beings, and it paves the way for the feelings of joy, connection and love to make their entrance.
As men we tend to stay in our heads: strategizing, achieving, solving problems, checking email and scrolling on our phones.
We love to THINK, and we love to DO.
We are not as good at FEELING.
AND, when we leave out feeling from our lives to protect ourselves from feeling bad, we shut out the positive emotions, as well.
There is a good reason men are phobic of their feelings:
When we numb and shut down for long periods of time, for the sake of protection and because of societal training, the first forays into our feelings inevitably touch the pain that we have been avoiding.
Often we don’t even know that we are avoiding something, let alone understanding what we are avoiding.
But beyond that dark forest of long-avoided emotions is an opening into the joy and fulfillment for which we all long.
The goal of feeling is not just to feel bad. The goal of feeling is to FEEL IT ALL.
In order to feel the beauty: the joy, the bliss, the freedom, we have to be willing to feel the pain: the grief, the sadness, the frustration, the fear.
It’s all one package – the delicious but often bittersweet gift of being a human being.
We can only access wisdom and offer our best to the world when we learn to decipher the messages of emotions through the heart.
Your heart is not just an organ. It is so much more than that:
It is an oracle of divine wisdom.
It is a connector. It is THE connector…
…to the wisdom of the earth below: the plants, the animals, the soil, the mycellium, the crystals, the mountains…
…and to the heavens above: the intelligence beyond our senses – indeed, beyond ourselves.
It is a translator. It is THE translator of the deep, earthy instinctual and primal code, as well as the great, ineffable and boundless knowledge that comes to us intuitively and unmistakably from the beyond – beyond our limited human minds…
…into human meaning, purpose, and beneficial action.
The heart is the source of compassion, gratitude, worship, truth, and of course, love.
It persistently asks of us: “What does love want, right now?”
We can only answer this by getting out of our head, feeling into our heart…
…and waiting to see what comes.
We don’t need a breakup or painful life event to start to feel our hearts. We can learn to do it, right now.
We access love through our hearts, and we access our hearts through the felt sense of our bodies.
Feel into your heart, right now.
When I say heart, I don’t just mean that visceral, pumping machine under your ribcage.
I mean your WHOLE heart.
Feel into the center of your chest – the bones, the muscles, the nerves, the fascia, the blood vessels, the glands…
Take a deep breath into this whole heart space. FEEL it expand as you fill your lungs.
What comes up as you sense this area? Do you feel sensations, emotions or impulses that weren’t there before you brought awareness and breath to your heart space?
You have an immensely powerful instrument of knowledge and wisdom in your body, here and now. You just need to learn to speak its language, and listen.
This has been a big part of my journey, from that naĂŻve 19-year-old romantic to the person I am today. There have been many moments just like that one.
Each of them opened my heart just a little bit more, introducing me again and again to its language and wisdom…
…until I created a relationship with my heart, realized that my heart is a far better decision-maker than my head, and changed the way I live my life forever.
This Wednesday, December 17th, 8-10pm EST I’ll be leading a FREE, heart-centered embodiment practice for men on Zoom.
The practice is called “The Heart and the Head.”
We will be diving into the heart space, making contact with its texture through feeling, and learning to decipher its language to tap into its profound wisdom.
Connect with a group of like-minded men from across the country to go deep and support each other in finding the highest versions of ourselves.
PREPARATION: Prepare for breathwork, meditation, and movement. If you plan to come, make sure you are in a space that is private, with a good internet connection, and space to move. Some of the practice will be standing. You will need to be able to sit in front of the computer screen at your head’s height, and be 2-3 feet away from the screen and camera. You will also want a yoga mat or blanket on the floor for periods of practice lying down.
Please come 5 minutes early to drop in, ready for practice. We will start right at 8pm EST.
This eclectic mix of embodiment practices will coalesce into a meaningful, heart-centered experience for all.
Join us here:
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/2471076687
You don’t need to sign up – just click on and show up with a curious heart.
I hope to see you then, my brother. ❤️‍🔥
All my best,
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