In my post on April 9th, “How to Follow Your Truth,” I described the end of a beautiful 7-year relationship. There I described the in-and-outs of that painful yet productive experience in August 2023.
The gist is that "following my truth," especially in the face of heartbreak (i.e. I didn't want to follow my truth!), led me to find my center and gain confidence in my feelings and intuition – landmarks on my path to love.
I needed this breakup.
I needed to suffer in grief and the fear of being alone. I needed to learn to truly love other men, my brothers. I needed to have the experience of “losing” external love so I could find love for myself.
I needed to find other ways of loving than those that I had learned in my childhood. These patterns kept coming up over and over again. They were keeping me from what I wanted in relationship.
There are different growth tasks that can be undertaken, depending on the circumstances. One can grow INSIDE relationship, and one can grow OUTSIDE relationship.
Growing INSIDE relationship often means facing the fear of being swallowed up by another, losing freedom, having to compromise one’s essence for another’s gain. It involves facing limitations, learning to compromise, and learning to truly love another person for who they are, not for what they do for us or how they fit with the redemption fantasies of our early childhood wounding.
Growing OUTSIDE relationship is often about confronting loneliness. It is about facing our most naked, raw truths: our wounds, our feelings, our darkness, and our “child parts." It can also be about discovering our capacities, true beauty, unique gifts, and power. It is about learning to love ourselves.
During a year-long “feminine cleanse” embarked upon after my 7-year relationship ended, I meditated regularly on the possibility of never having a romantic relationship again. This forced me to reevaluate the deepest purpose and meaning in my life. Could I be happy without a relationship? How would I choose to live my life if I knew this would never happen? The answer was clear.
I’d live it FULLY. I’d go ALL IN.
I’d commit myself to the relationships I DO have in my life, to my purpose, to my own spiritual and emotional growth. I’d offer my whole self and my gifts to the world. I’d bring as much love as I could to anyone with whom I was fortunate enough to spend time.
I really needed to grow outside of relationship during this time.
And I believe I did grow. A lot.
Fast forward.
Three weeks ago, I found myself serendipitously sharing a ceremonial space, a group event, with this beautiful woman with whom I had spent those fertile seven years.
It was two years and two months after our breakup, and I allowed myself to really feel into who the two of us were, with clear vision.
Before, my vision of her had been obscured by the ideals I projected onto her at the beginning, and the, to be frank, SHIT I projected onto her for most of the rest of the relationship.
Now I could see her more clearly.
We talked. It felt nourishing. In sync. It reminded me of how much I loved the person she is.
But something else was different. There was a security, groundedness, vulnerability, honesty, and openness in both of us that was not there before.
We had both grown a lot in the previous years, and although we were the same people in some ways, we were much different in others. We were more mature, more authentic, more comfortable in our skin.
Some of the conversations we had felt like us looking at those seven years from a completely different vantage point. We could observe the patterns that plagued us. We discussed our regrets, each of us owning the ways that we harmed the relationship.
The love was still there. Plus, our growth during the previous 2 years was unmistakable. We were more solid.
As I felt into my feelings for her and what I want in my life, my CURRENT TRUTH emerged unmistakably.
I want to create a life with her. I want to claim her. I choose her. I respect and love her with all of my heart. I am in awe of her, her life path, her courage, her wisdom, her beautiful feminine expression.
I want to hold space for her. I want to protect her. I want to support her. I want to create a safe, juicy relationship within which she can flourish, grow, heal, and express herself to the fullest. I want to work through the tough spots and stay grounded in the face of the inevitable storms we will face together.
I want the depth and meaning that can only come from going really fucking deep with one person. I want to face all the challenges that come with this commitment.
And I want all of that with HER. This is my truth.
And she wants me, too. That's hers.
We have recommitted to each other. It's stronger than ever.
It won't be an easy path - no relationship of depth is. But it is a path we can commit and recommit to, day after day.
Following my truth has led to hiccups and blunders. It has led to pain and scars. It has also been the only path to my primary purpose in this lifetime: to learn to love sincerely and fully.
Sometimes you need to break up. Sometimes you need to try things. Sometimes you need to think you want something, only to realize you didn’t really want it. Sometimes you need to make “mistakes.”
However, if you are following your truth and your heart, there are no mistakes. There is just a windy path to finding yourself, and ultimately, finding love, in whatever form that takes for you.
It doesn’t help to get into your head and second guess yourself. Try things. Make mistakes. Feel into your truth and follow it boldly. See where it leads.
For me, it led me back to my love. For others, it might lead to a new job, a new partner, a new adventure, even back into an old, dysfunctional pattern. That’s just fine.
The key is to continue to feel into your heart, get out of your head, and locate what feels most alive, most true in each moment.
Following your truth will ALWAYS lead you where you need to go. If it seems like it doesn't, it’s because you are in your head, stuck on some IDEA that you are mistaking for TRUTH.
That’s not your truth.
Truth is something you feel. Try something else, and make sure it feels good to you. If you falter, try again. Learn to trust your feelings, your intuition.
As for me, the more experiences I have following my truth, the more I trust myself, and the more fulfilling my life becomes.
And who knows where it will go? Part of following my truth is living in the mystery, and knowing that a lot is outside of my control.
So, I'm going to keep following my truth, and just see what happens. ❤️‍🔥
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