In my embodiment and polarity studies with John Wineland, my fellow brothers, sisters, and I often remind ourselves of the prompt:
âIn this moment, what does love need to flourish?â
Iâve been reflecting on and practicing this the best I can for over two years, feeling into the moment and repeatedly aligning myself with what feels like the most truthful, loving reality.
It can be challenging to maintain this mindset. There are all kinds of mental barriers to being present, feeling into what the moment needs, and then acting from that place.
One of the barriers that recently slapped me in the face is this:
What love needs is not always what I think I want.
Mrrrrrr. đ
Reluctant case in point:
I recently ended a short yet beautiful relationship with a wonderful woman.
Everything was working on the surface. Great communication, aligned values, shared spirituality, amazing sex and polarity, mutual interests. Our personalities jived â it was so easy. We were often awestruck by how good a fit it seemed.
In the spirit of the conscious relationship we both wanted to create, and also with understanding that nothing was guaranteed, we were communicating consistently about our awareness that the beginning of any romance is loaded with the chemicals, hormones, fantasies, and desires that can make reality a difficult thing to grasp.
We'd been burned before by the pitfalls and illusions the honeymoon period of a romance has to offer.
All in all, we were doing a pretty good job of managing this. We allowed ourselves to enjoy and get swept away in the bliss while also communicating and staying aware of the bigger picture. We took time away from each other when we needed to. We made everything conscious.
And things were feeling really good to both of us.
AND, something still felt off.
We talked about this often. What was it? The answer seemed elusive for some time.
Over time we realized that despite the love that had formed between us, we had to pay attention to this small voice that was saying:
âThis isnât right, right now.â
We mutually decided to end what we both agreed was the one of the most beautiful and meaningful romances of our lives.
Ouch! đ
âSO heart-wrenching! Everything is working. How can this be? How could we possibly end this? This is crazy!â
Love doesnât only need amazing romance, great sex and mutual fulfillment in relationship.
Individual needs can be more important than even the most passionate, effortless connection.
Sadly, I believe that was what was going on with us.
There were many possibilities for why this couldnât work that went through our minds:
1. Both of us are in periods of our lives where we are making efforts to shift into more meaningful professional activities. This takes a lot of energy and time.
2. Our schedules are busy â her kids and family, her need to explore her next professional moves, her friendships; my budding business, my working full-time in my current job and participating in two major international programs with frequent travel⌠there is so much going on.
3. We live 90 minutes away from each other, which might not be an issue normally. However, given our schedules, this was really infringing on our ability to see each other and also maintain the rest of our lives.
4. Both of us have a history of letting relationships take up so much space in our lives that other things start to take a back seat. Neither of us can afford to do this right now. We wanted to be conscious to not let that happen to us.
5. We both have histories of attachment patterns that require awareness, containment, and work to maintain a healthy connection. We would need the time and space to prioritize the relationship in order to create the conditions for love to flourish.
These are pieces that are pivotal to making a relationship work. While we never could land on one factor that seemed impossible to overcome, we had to pay attention to them as important. They were telling us something about where we are in our lives and what we need.
Connecting to what love needs in the moment is connecting to TRUTH.
Truth is simply what it is â the truth. I cannot deny truth. I must strive to know the truth and then follow this truth, even if it hurts. Even if my heart is broken.
Even if my mind believes we are perfect for each other, I must pay attention to the truth.
The truth is deeper than the desires and fantasies my mind conjures up.
And it is ALWAYS better than desires and fantasies⌠it just doesnât seem that way in the moment.
Will we end up together eventually? I have no idea. I have to live in that mystery.
It does not feel true to tell myself that she was not right for me.
It also does not feel true to tell myself we will find each other again and make it work.
I simply donât know.
One of the hardest things about the bigger truth is that we donât always know where it is leading.
I can connect to âwhat love needsâ in the moment, feeling deeply that this is a momentary truth, and following thatâŚ
âŚbut I canât assume I know what this means about the future. That isnât my job. Something much greater than me makes those decisions.
Love is bigger than me. And I know that, in this moment, this is what love needs.
So, I stay in the moment the best I can, noticing my mindâs tendency to hold onto fantasies and desires, watching it struggle with this truth.
When I focus on what love needs in the moment, I am practicing trust. Trust in powers bigger than me. Trust in my unconscious path that I chose when I entered into this world. Trust in the unknown.
Sometimes following what love needs in the moment leads to obvious positive events and rewards.
Sometimes it leads to pain â to facing our shadows and early childhood wounds.
It ALWAYS leads to what is best for everyone.
And so, I practice, I grieve, and I trustâŚ
âŚthat ultimately what love needs is also what I need, she needs, and the world needs.
Follow what love needs in the moment, and follow your truth.
Be well, my friends,
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